Mirage of Kaleidoscopes
by SucreTeen123
Summary: Life is a kaleidoscope full of mirrors and shards that twist and turn creating a mirage of beauty and colour and life is nothing more than a beautiful illusion, just like a kaleidoscope. Self-Insert. SI. OC.
1. Chapter 1 - The Unnamed

**Title:** Mirage of Kaleidoscopes

**Summary:** Life is a kaleidoscope full of mirrors and shards that twist and turn creating a mirage of beauty and colour and life is nothing more than a beautiful illusion, just like a kaleidoscope.

**Chapter One: The Unnamed**

.

* * *

"_**Life and death are the opposite sides of a coin." **_

― _Anonymous_

.

* * *

She remembers lights, and laughter and the sound of music blasting through speakers and then the sound of metal scrapping against metal. She remembers screams and tears and the bright red liquid that spilt onto the ground.

There are touches and slaps on different parts of her body; she feels tears falling down splattering onto her dirty skin. There are people surround her, pushing, screaming, yelling and crying. She can't hear their voices as they all blend into on as her mind grasps onto the situation at hand.

Death.

She feels fear and tries desperately to hold on, to grasp as much strength as possible to stay alive. Chanting over and over till it became a mantra, _"I don't want to die, I don't want to die. Not yet, not yet… not like this." _She wonders in that moment if she was chanting it out loud or just thinking it.

She hears sirens close by and tries to stay awake… but she is so tired.

Her eyes begin to close.

Her arm stretches out.

There is a light in the distance.

Then –

… _nothing_

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* * *

.

Uchiha Nanashi.

She is born in Konohagakure, the eldest of the twins, her younger brother born only a few minutes after her. She is born in Konoha, a village built through blood and murder, betrayal and deceit, and thrives on will of fire that _**burns**_.

It is during the Second Great Shinobi War that she is born.

In the maternity ward in the largest hospital in Konoha, she is born. When a child is born it is a joyful occasion but her birth is treated with nothing but cold indifference on the borderline of hate.

Usually a nurse would hold the child – or in this case children – and give them to their parents, but there are no parents to hold these children. The father died a month before they were born and the mother dies a few minutes after her daughter's birth, the son had to be forcefully brought out from his mother's cut open stomach.

The boy is taken by a couple who coolly accepts the child and names him Shinji and leaves.

It is the only time she will ever be so close her brother.

The nurse leaves her in a cradle and leaves.

She has no name.

Nanashi, the unnamed.

.

* * *

.

She is left at an orphanage built recently in the Uchiha clan compounds, at the very edge. She is one of many, an insignificant creature who is not worth anything till she is older. The orphanage is crowded, filled to the brim with Uchiha children who have lost parents in the war, abandoned by their remaining family or simply unwanted. They are children who are used, toyed with, and forced to submit to the wishes of their more fortunate clan members. Most of them are civilian born Uchiha or branch family who are worth nothing in the eyes of the main branch.

She remembers seeking a caretaker's hug once before only to be slapped and sent back to her cot.

Since then Nanashi vows to be strong.

She is not the youngest or the oldest. She is like all of them, abandoned, and unwanted, with no parents. But she is the only one who tries to survive.

She has watched as some Uchiha children were lured away by older Uchiha members, returning broken and haunted and young children being bought with money by masked ANBU members. Once in a while an elder – sometimes accompanied by a chuunin or jounin – comes for a visit, looking intently for children who hold promise to become ninja… to become the Uchiha clan's tools to gain greater power. They would take them away and make them into shinobi for the clan.

Sometimes many children are taken all at once by an elder. They are the ones she never sees again.

Nanashi avoids them as much as she can.

She will become stronger on her own.

Most of all, she refuses to become anyone's tool.

.

* * *

.

She dreams a lot.

Sometimes she falls asleep without meaning to.

Other children and drunken caretakers comment on it.

She does not care.

When she closes her eyes she is no longer in Konoha, but in a grey, gleaming city with looming towers and brightly coloured cars speeding down the street. The voices of hundreds of people overlapping each other and the smell of gasoline and cigarettes and trees and flowers, everything she missed, would fill the air.

She would be back in her room, her finger tracing over the books on her bookshelf. Her bed would be messy, unmade, clothes thrown carelessly on the floor and leftover pizza on the table.

She would open up her manga collection and read and dreams and imagines a life beyond her own.

Her eyes open.

She stops dreaming.

She does not want a life beyond her own.

Nanashi stops.

No one notices until months after.

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* * *

.

They come back more often.

The war has claimed many lives.

This time they take any children available – those whose absence would not be missed greatly.

Nanashi is drafted into the group. There are children crying in fear. Some older ones are joyful to be able to become a ninja. Some boast of their relations to some Uchiha ninja. Fools, she thinks, what is the point of fame if you will die before achieving it.

The group is led into a cave and then underground.

The group of children is forced into stripped pajamas.

Like the Nazis made the Jewish people wear, she thinks.

Nanashi is three and a half when she experiences death head on once more, but this would not be the last time.

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* * *

.

She is in pain.

Her arms, legs, face… every part of her is in pain.

They cut her open and stich her back up.

A never ending process.

In the dark she laughs, wondering if she resembles the rag doll from the Nightmare Before Christmas.

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* * *

.

She is one of few children who survive the procedure.

She pukes and coughs and vomits all of the meager content in her stomach. She glances around and sees nothing but dead or dying bodies of children.

And she might become one of them.

Slowly she reaches for the piece of discarded bread and eats ravenous. She places her hands over her mouth and forces herself to swallow. When pain and heat – **burning** – scorching through her, and bile threatens to come out through her mouth, she swallows.

They have poisoned the food.

The clothes.

The water.

Everything.

"… help…" One of the children, a boy, begs, whispering.

The bread is pressed against their lip and she can see a girl urging him to eat. But Nanashi knows that he will die.

She hands tighten around the kunai pressed against her leg.

A weapon given to end their life if it became too hard to survive.

"Move."

Pushing the other girl aside, she plunges the kunai into the boy's heart, her eyes emotionless as she watch his eyes dim.

The girl shrieks in horror and her cries echo throughout the cave. No one care.

Nanashi stands up, blood splattered across her face and shirt.

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* * *

.

She chews and bites and swallows.

It is – according to the nurses in the hospital – six months since her, and the other children's disappearance.

A council elder had been conducting experiments with children to negate the Hidden Sand's wide arsenal of poison users. It became suspicious more children began disappearing from the orphanage.

Three groups of ANBU barge into the cave battling Uchiha ninja and hired assassins and searching for survivors after.

All are died, except for her.

Splattered in blood, eating molded bread and yet…

_**She is alive. **_

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* * *

.

After the hospital deems her stable, she is immediately returned to the orphanage. The experiment was a failure and Nanashi laughs.

The other children fear her, the caretakers shun her and everyone avoids her.

Food becomes scarce as the war continues and she is soon drafted into the academy. Konoha cannot allow her skills to be wasted no matter what she has been through. She goes without a fight because she wants to live.

And because she wonders when life became so meaningless to her.

Sometimes she dreams of killing everyone in the orphanage.

Nanashi does not want to lose herself anymore. She prays for a reason to continue living, to keep herself sane.

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* * *

.

They call her a prodigy.

She is the hope of the new generation.

The Ninja Academy is jokingly easy. She speaks only when spoken to, writes when needed, and participates only when necessary.

The teachers are pleased.

She is a model student.

Finally, the clan elders are beginning to pay attention to her.

.

* * *

.

The clan's elite ninjas take time off to teach her.

She learns quickly.

But they never teach anything more than the basics to achieving something great. They fear her becoming too great that she will break apart from the clan.

Tree walking, water walking, spewing fire, taijutsu and genjutsu.

She learns what she is taught.

.

* * *

.

The first – or rather second – time she meets her brother it is in rather undesirable circumstances.

The couple that adopted her brother, Shinji, has taken her into their family as well.

The clan elders pit her in a battle against her brother, they are only still children. Shinji aims and hits and kicks and she dodges and sneaks past his guard with a kunai pressed to his neck.

"Yield." He does.

Shinji hates her.

She does not particularly care for him.

But one thing she is sure of is she hates the clan.

She is fond of her freedom and hates the shackles the clan tries to place on her.

They train her. Feed her. Try to teach her loyalty to the clan above the village.

She listens.

The clan members are pleased.

… _**But she does not obey.**_

.

* * *

.

In the academy she has no friends.

She is always alone.

The children fear her and Shinji's rumors only heighten their fear.

But at least she is glad her brother is in another class because she is not sure she can restrain herself from developing feelings towards him. She does not want to love or hate such a person like Shinji.

Love makes you weak.

Hatred makes you even weaker.

They are mottos that she lives by.

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* * *

.

She is five when she graduates.

The normal – current – age to graduate is nine. The children are enrolled at the age of four or five and pushed out sooner to replace the shinobi who have died in battle.

A large number of Uchiha gather at ceremony, all of them proud at producing such a shinobi. They are sure that she will be loyal.

She scoffs and laughs at their delusions.

Shinji is jealous of her abilities and status. He hates her with a passion. She knows because he tells her so every day.

She finds herself caring nothing about the boy whom she shared eleven months with in their mother's stomach.

This day on she is a kunoichi of Konoha.

.

* * *

.

This is the beginning of her new life.

Nanashi Uchiha.


	2. Chapter 2 - Bonds

**Title:** Mirage of Kaleidoscopes

**Summary:** Life is a kaleidoscope full of mirrors and shards that twist and turn creating a mirage of beauty and colour and life is nothing more than a beautiful illusion, just like a kaleidoscope.

**Chapter Two: Bonds**

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* * *

"_**We're born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."**_

― _Orson Welles_

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* * *

She sits at the very back of the class filled with children much older than her who have all graduated. This is a precaution if the enemy every invaded Konoha she could escape from the academy building easier. She waits patiently as the teacher walks in and begins to quiet everything down.

The teacher reads off a clip board.

She dozes off till her name is called.

"Uchiha Nanashi."

She waits.

"Hyuuga Hotaru."

A Hyuuga with an Uchiha, she laughs in her head.

"And Yamanaka Shouji."

She feels two pairs of eyes on her. She stares right back.

And smiles coldly.

.

* * *

.

The Hyuuga wears a white turtle neck with black pants. His forehead is bare, a main family member, she thinks.

The Yamanaka is dressed – quote on quote in the latest shinobi trend – rich purple top and dark pants, and his hair is cut – quote on quote in a daringly adorable yet cute way – wild with lighter streaks dyed in.

She studies her team members as they are all sitting outside, on top of the roof. Their sensei, a male, leaning on the railing, he was young, barely twenty.

"My name is Yukimura Kenji, I'm twenty-five years old and I'm a chuunin," he introduces. "My favorite foods are Takoyaki and Kitsune Udon. Least favorite foods are lettuce and carrots. My hobbies include reading and collecting rare books. My dream in the future is to live to see my grandchildren." He chooses Shouji to go next.

"My name is Yamanaka Shouji, I'm nine years old," he introduced cheerfully. "My favorite foods are Katsudon and all kinds of sushi. My least favorite foods are eggplants and lemons. My hobbies are looking at beautiful women and dating beautiful women. My dream in the future is to marry a beautiful woman and have lots of good looking kids."

The Hyuuga is next.

"My name is Hyuuga Hotaru, I'm nine years old," Hotaru says shyly, rather different than regular Hyuuga members. "My favorite foods are Taiyaki and ramen. My least favorite foods are celery and tomatos. My hobbies include leaf collecting and drawing. My dream is to merge the main and branch family into one." His voice filled with conviction as he voiced his dream.

So bright, she thinks. All of them had such bright goals and desires for the future. Did they understand that a ninja's life was short and brief and that they would die before any of their dreams come true?

The three males are staring at her expectantly.

"My name is Uchiha Nanashi," she introduces herself coldly. "That is all you need to know about me."

There is no point in getting attached to things that will fade.

.

* * *

.

In the first week of their team Yukimura-sensei teaches them tree walking.

But she already knows, so he has her complete exercises and stretches. She sits down and rests, the sun bright and hot and burning.

Under the shade of the tree she watches her teammates struggle with the tree walking and wonders if she should help. She decides not to and sits down observing.

"Hey! Nana-chan! Can you help me?"

Shouji, bright, cheerful Shouji, always trying to include her somehow.

She nods, she will not refuse them help if asked but she will never offer it on her own.

Effectively, she tunes out Shouji's chattering and focuses on Hotaru, who blushes under her gaze. She gives them pointers and watches as they try and try again till they master it. Shouji jumps upside down from branch to branch. Hotaru merely stands on the trunk, flushed with exhaustion and pride.

She finds it funny that she has the most controversial team.

A Yamanaka who does not study others but rather focuses on himself.

A Hyuuga who is not proud but rather shy and kind.

"Arigato Nana-chan!"

She feels warm for some reasons.

.

* * *

.

"Nana-san are you alright?" Hotaru asks.

She nods and wipes the scratch on her arm with a tissue. Shouji is battling with the cat, Tora – the great, great grand parent of the Tora from the Naruto series – whom their team was sent to recover.

Yukimura-sensei congratulates them on a mission well done and they return back to the Hokage Tower.

Another mundane mission.

.

* * *

.

"Yay C-Rank!" Shouji cheers

It was their first c-rank mission. It was simple, get a scroll from the Konoha Intelligence Division and deliver it to a base.

She holds her hand in front of her face, blocking off the sun's rays.

Bright, warm, gentle.

.

* * *

.

"They canceled our C-Rank!"

Shouji walked back and forth, puffing in anger.

"The war… my father tells me it is ending soon," Hotaru's cold voice cuts through Shouji's ranting. "What is going to happen to us? All this time we have trained to join the war." Hotaru's body shook, "What are we going to do." He is scared, scared of the future. An unplanned future.

"Hotaru…" Shouji mutters, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder.

She watches silently.

"We'll be fine," she states.

The boys look at her in surprise.

"We'll be fine," she repeats. "We are a team. The end of the war will change nothing."

.

* * *

.

The war ends a week after.

The village celebrates.

Nanashi stares blankly at the scenery below on the balcony located on the Hokage Monument. Her team is with her, eating and drinking whatever they brought with them.

"Do you think that war is really over?" Hotaru asks.

Yukimura-sensei seems reluctant to answer.

"No, it's never over."

She plans to enjoy as much peace as she can.

.

* * *

.

She trains and trains and trains.

With the clan members, against her weak little brother, with her team, but it is never enough.

She wants to be stronger so she can live because she knows that war is coming again. And she does not want to die.

For what is the point of knowledge if it is not used to your advantage.

.

* * *

.

Hotaru offers to teach her some of the tenketsu in the human body.

Shouji offers to teach her how to read others.

Yukimura-sensei tries to teach her teamwork.

All she does is smile and learn.

.

* * *

.

"My father is angry with me," Hotaru whispers, voice full of hurt and pain. "He says that I am not good enough."

She stands and gets into form.

"Fight me."

Hotaru stares at her wide eyed.

She strikes.

Hotary deflects.

A kick. A punch thrown. A fist deflected.

She hits a tenketsu above his arm and Hotaru drops down.

"You are weak," she states. "But you will be strong, someday. Stronger than anyone and until you become stronger you are weak. It is as simple as that."

.

* * *

.

It is her birthday today.

Her teammates and Yukimura-sensei have decided to give her presents. Yukimura-sensei gives her a new kunai and shuriken set. Shouji gives her a book on herbs.

Hotaru, he gives her a book on all the tenketsu on the body.

"You said you wanted to know," he says shyly, blushing. "I copied all of them down for you."

His gaze is warm and gentle and full of passion. Her heart tightens.

She has not felt like this before.

"Happy birthday, Nana-san."

He places his hands on her shoulder and he presses a kiss on to her forehead.

She is sure that it was only her imagination.

.

* * *

.

She is six.

The clan becomes stricter in her training. She learns to move wind and spit fire and heave earth and flow water and create lightening. But it is still not enough.

Her movements are constantly monitored by patrolling Uchiha police members.

She distances herself from her team.

From Hotaru.

When Hotaru questions her with Shouji she smiles coldly, "I am an Uchiha."

.

* * *

.

Yukimura-sensei is in dismay as the team begins to fall apart.

Shouji constantly seeks the attention of women despite his young age of 10.

Hotaru submerges himself with training.

She stands at the side, watching.

.

* * *

.

"Why?"

"Because I am a Uchiha and you are a Hyuuga."

Hotaru's hand clenches around Nanashi's arm.

"I'll become stronger," he declares, eyes burning. "I'll change the Hyuuga and the Uchiha. So help me Nanashi."

It is the first time he calls her by her full name.

Her heart skips a beat.

.

* * *

.

She is six when she meets Obito. He is the nephew of the couple who adopted her twin brother.

He is three.

The clan has declared him old enough to enter the academy.

Obito is still a child, an expendable pawn of the clan.

"Nee-sama!"

Obito follows her everywhere.

She does not know what to make of this child.

.

* * *

.

Time passes.

She ages. Seven. Eight. _Nine._

And slowly her team repairs itself and they grow close once more.

Hotaru teaches her the Hyuuga secret style, the Gentle Fist.

Shouji teaches her only the basic Yamanaka ninjutsu, the Shintenshin no Jutsu.

When she asks why…

"Because I trust you."

She feels like laughing, so naïve, she thinks. She never uses the techniques in battle.

But for some reason she feels so warm inside.

.

* * *

.

Obito is young and innocent.

He trusts too easily, she thinks, watching him sleep on her lap, her hand running through his hair.

_But he will kill_, a voice in her head says.

He cries because he cannot live up to the clan's expectations, because his family expects more than he can give.

She comforts him because it is her duty.

.

* * *

.

It is the summer festival and she is dressed in a ripple designed kimono, rich purple with a bright red obi and long sleeves.

Shouji and Hotaru come to pick her up for the festival.

It is loud and noisy and full of life.

"You look beautiful."

Hotary maneuvers a lock of her hair behind her ear.

She watches him with large black eyes as the fireworks shine brightly in the background.

Her heart is beating for some reasons.

.

* * *

.

It is autumn. The leaves turn red and orange and yellow and they cover the ground in a blanket of brilliant colours.

"Let's make a leaf pile and roast some potato!"

Shouji is excited and goes off, executing his plans.

"You have a leaf in your hair Nana-san."

Hotaru's hand is very warm as he plucks the red maple leaf. His hand lingers slight longer than necessary.

"Oi! Come help me Hotaru!"

He breaks away and runs towards Shouji.

She feels oddly disappointed.

.

* * *

.

Winter is here but Konoha is never graced with white snow as much as the other villages.

But lady luck seems to be shining on Konoha today and snow begins to fall. Although it always melts it is still beautiful to look at.

Her eyes gaze at the white landscape in awe.

Hotaru takes this moment to wrap a scarf around her neck.

"Don't catch a cold Nana-san."

His smile is kind and warm.

Her heart skips a beat.

.

* * *

.

Time passes and the peace remains.

She is ten and she celebrates under a blooming cheery blossom tree as Hotaru presses his lips against hers.

She does not move.

It is so very warm.

.

* * *

.

Her happiness does not last.

The third war starts.

Hatake Sakumo is the cause.

.

* * *

.

Today is the day Obito graduates. She goes to the academy and she is amused that no one came. He's eyes brighten as he catches her in the distance.

"Nee-sama!" His voice is loud and happy.

She smiles and allows him to drag her off into the crowd.

"That's Rin," he says, blushing.

_You will destroy worlds and lives for that girl_, she thinks. Her gaze turns cold and she tunes out Obito's voice. She wonders if she should kill this boy before he kills.

But she is not so far gone as to consider killing a child.

.

* * *

.

Shouji fights as a man possessed.

Hotaru dodges and aims for his tenketsu points.

She stands at the sideline and watches.

"Why is it you!" Shouji screams.

He tosses the kunai aside and leaves.

"… I'm sorry," Hotaru whispers, tears falling from his eyes.

.

* * *

.

Their team is broken once more.

Yukimura-sensei is no longer there to do anything.

The war has started once more and their sensei is one of the first to be killed.

Rock-nins ambushed one of the bases.

Shouji and Hotaru cry at his funeral.

She stares at the stone plaque and traces his name over and over.

_My dream in the future is to live to see my grandchildren._

Yukimura-sensei was never even married.

.

* * *

.

Everything breaks apart someday.

She wraps herself into a ball and stares at the darkening sky.

War has come.

.

* * *

.

She is cold once more.

.

* * *

.

But she does not cry.


	3. Chapter 3 - Death

**Title:** Mirage of Kaleidoscopes

**Summary:** Life is a kaleidoscope full of mirrors and shards that twist and turn creating a mirage of beauty and colour and in the end; life is nothing more than a beautiful illusion, just like a kaleidoscope.

**Chapter Three: Death**

.

* * *

"_**A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."**_

― _Joseph__ Stalin_

_._

* * *

She is eleven when the war begins once more.

Her team is broken and torn and shattered beyond repair.

In a rush decision made by the council she and many others are promoted by sole merit of being alive for longer than expected.

She is a Chuunin and she is in charge of her team.

But she does not want this responsibility.

.

* * *

.

Shinji is still in the academy. The elders are furious that he has not graduated and they mock him. Shinji is angry and bitter and full of resentment.

She can tell that he is nervous.

.

* * *

.

"Have you heard, Hatake Kakashi is the new prodigy? Looks like you're already forgotten Nana-chan, for a traitor's son no less."

Shouji baits her with words and waits for her reaction but she doesn't show anything.

"He's being trained by Namikaze Minato. Apparently he's Jiraiya-sama's student."

Hotaru steps in, "Stop it Shouji-san."

Shouji ignores him and gazes intently at Nanashi.

"You'll get replaced Nana-chan, if you don't do something soon."

He ignores Hotaru's heated glares.

"They're thinking of sending us on the front lines."

He's voice is becoming hysterical.

"We're going to die."

.

* * *

.

She goes to pray at Yukimura-sensei's grave because it is the proper thing to do. She brings red poppies and quotes a passage from her past life.

_We are the Dead. Short days ago._

_We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,_

_Love and were loved, and now we lie,_

_In Flanders fields._

She hopes that Yukimura-sensei hears it.

.

* * *

.

Hotaru spends all his time beside her.

His eyes are always full of warmth and an emotion she cannot describe. But it makes her feel warm and tingly and happy.

She wonders if this is love. She has never experienced love in her other life. All she has ever had were flings that never lasted.

"I love you Nana-san."

Love is for the weak.

But she does not pull away when he presses his lips to hers.

.

* * *

.

"Team Eighteen."

Nanashi steps in front and waits for the details of the mission.

"This is a high-level B-rank. Your team will infiltrate an enemy base recently established itself near the border; there are an estimated number of ten shinobi. Eliminate all targets if needed and bring back the intelligence."

She grabs the scroll and leaves.

In the end everyone is expendable.

Even prodigies.

.

* * *

.

They complete the mission with no losses. Shouji needs stitches and Hotaru nurses a bruised arm.

They waited till night. She releases poisonous fumes and casts genjutsu. Shouji uses his clan's jutsu to subdue the enemy and Hotaru become the heavy hitter.

It is so very easy to kill.

"Hotaru!" Shouji screamed.

Her eyes turn to Hotaru, crumpled down holding his arm. She sees red and charged. Her eyes glow bright and red and burns with the will of fire. She kills, stabbing the man in the stomach with a kunai and finishes him off with fire jutsu. His screamed filled the air and it took _**so long**_ for him to die.

She watches every second of it.

Nanashi presses her finger to her lips. She has activated the sharingan.

Hotaru and Shouji do not write this down when they report back.

It is their secret.

.

* * *

.

They are sent on more missions and come back successful only to receive more.

She is tired.

.

* * *

.

Time passes. Twleve. Thirteen. _Fourteen._

Hotaru presses a kiss onto her lips.

He presses a necklace into her hands, there is a ring dangling on the thin silver chain. Hotaru is wearing the matching ring on his neck.

"It belonged to my mother."

.

* * *

.

Shinji fails to graduate and becomes a civilian member of the Uchiha clan and is disowned by the people he called parents.

He weeps and yells and condemns them and her as well.

She never sees him again unless in a far distance snapshot of life.

.

* * *

.

They receive another mission, this time with another team.

She is in charge of leading the attack on a group of rock-nin situated near one of the bases. She splits the team into 3 groups. She is with Hotaru. Shouji is with another member of the other team. And the last two are together.

Blood.

She did not see the ambush coming and Hotaru covers her from the barrage of kunai, shuriken and earth jutsu.

Her eyes see red and she charges at the other shinobi.

She uses the Gentle Fist Style in a fight for the first time. She is mercilessly and she breaks bone, severes limbs, but she leaves them alive.

Her hands go through the signs and she spews fire.

Their screams fill the air.

She holds Hotaru's broken body in her arms.

The fire spreads.

.

* * *

.

"Nana-san… your eyes… the Sharingan…"

She holds Hotaru tightly.

"They're a beautiful colour."

Hotaru.

"I wish… that… I could have… spent more time with you…"

His eyes begin to dim.

She opens her eyes and stares into his, red meeting white.

She would grant his last wish.

A life.

.

* * *

.

_The first kiss._

_The proposal in a blooming field of flowers._

_The Hyuuga clan merging into one._

_Marriage._

_Children. _

_Lying side by side till the end._

Her grip tightens around a kunai.

She takes all the knowledge his mind has to offer.

And she strikes, fast and strong, plunging the weapon in his heart.

A lone tear falling down.

.

* * *

.

Shouji and the others find her later. The fire has subsided and Hotaru's body is nowhere in sight.

"Where is he?" Shouji asks.

She stares blankly at his face.

"I burned him and scattered his ashes." It was protocol. If a member of a team falls in the war effort and has a blood limit, their body must be destroyed immediately.

She feels cold.

.

* * *

.

Her fifteenth birthday forgotten in amidst the sorrow that clings to the village.

.

* * *

.

At Hotaru's funeral Hotaru's father stares at Hotaru's picture in disgust.

"Weak till the end," he mutters.

She has to stop Shouji from killing the man.

Even though she wants to do the same.

.

* * *

.

The Memorial Stone.

She sits in front of the stone, tracing Hotaru's name.

Her eyes blur and she feels wetness on her cheeks. Hands cover her eyes and she stares at Hotaru's name, her eyes burning red with pinwheels shaped in the form of flames.

Mangenkyo.

She burns Hotaru's name into her memory.

.

* * *

.

She wears white because she cannot bring herself to wear black. Shouji is subdued and solemn.

"Did you love him?"

"No."

Shouji seems relieved.

"Did you care for him?"

Her throat tightens and her eyes burn.

"Yes, more than anyone."

Shouji's eyes close and he presses a hand, covering his face and weeps.

She knows that she would have killed if she could bring Hotaru back.

.

* * *

.

The council gives them a new member. Shouji screams and yells and rejects but in the end he is forced to obey the council's commands.

An Inuzuka is their new member, a recent graduate from the academy.

His name is Inuzuka Kai.

She does not care for him.

He is not Hotaru.

.

* * *

.

"Konbanwa Mikoto-sama," she bows perfectly and rose slowly. The Uchiha men are used to women, no matter what status, to be as lady like as possible.

Uchiha Mikoto is the wife of the head of the clan, Uchiha Fugaku and she is round with child. Nanashi smiles politely and says all the congratulations and wishes needed and leaves.

She knows what the child will become.

.

* * *

.

Shouji begins to treat Kai like a younger, annoying brother with fondness and exasperated affection.

She merely stands at the side, watching. She does not care for him because he is not Hotaru and the wound is still there, still too fresh. Shouji begs her and follows her everywhere till she promises to train him.

"I don't want him to die." Shouji's eyes pierced into hers. She nods and promises to do what she can.

Kai whines and complains but follows her orders nonetheless.

"Ane-san!"

He reminds her of Obito.

.

* * *

.

The Uchiha elders are disappointed in her. Mission after mission she does not return with the pinwheel eyes that burn like fire.

But they do not know.

Her eyes bleed into red as she stares at the Memorial Stone.

.

* * *

.

Time passes and she is still in mourning.

She is sixteen and her heart has stopped beating.

"This is my Nee-sama," Obito introduces happily.

She smiles like she does in front of Obito, sweet, warm and gentle, but so cold at the same time. She bows perfectly towards Minato_ because he will be Hokage, because he will bring ruin to Konoha, because he is Naruto's father… __**because she is still too weak**__…_

Rin blushes and bows back and Kakashi ignores her and gets into a fight with Obito.

Nanashi wonders if they are truly so naïve as to act as though they are children and not shinobi who were trained to fight and kill.

Her eyes stare at Obito and her hands tighten.

If Hotaru had still been alive, she knows that she would have killed Obito to keep him safe. To make sure that he would live and survive the coming years of pain, suffering and blood.

But Hotaru is long dead and her heart is too cold and tired.

_Let them suffer loss as I have and mourn as I do._

.

* * *

.

She is promoted to Tokubetsu Jounin with the rest of her teammates as Chuunin.

Team Eighteen is sent on more dangerous missions.

Kai is young, not fully developed in his abilities but Shouji watches him and weasels her into helping him as well.

"For Hotaru, we can't let another teammate die," Shouji stated, voice full of conviction.

But he's not Hotaru, she wanted to say.

"Alright."

.

* * *

.

"I'm in love with you," Shouji's voice is calm and clear. Cool with a tingle of desperation and sorrow. Nanashi does not reply as she bends down and places the bouquet of flowers in front of the Memorial Stone.

Her finger traces Hotaru's name over and over again.

"I know."

Shouji's voice comes out in a choked sob, "But you'll never love me as you loved Hotaru."

She stands and stares into his conflicting eyes, her voice cool, "I will never love anyone, but I will never care for anyone as I have towards Hotaru."

Shouji presses his lips onto hers with desperation and she does not stop him.

She will never care for anyone as deeply as Hotaru.

.

* * *

.

Shouji's love is like the sun, Nanashi muses.

At time it could be playful like the gentle sunlight that pours down and showers everything in a pool of golden light. Or in other time it could be burning like the flames that flicker from the sun once a while. He pursued her with a passion that Hotaru never did.

Shouji kisses as though he's done it a thousand times and maybe he has for all Nanashi knows. He kisses and sucks and licks and holds her as though she is glass and steel all at once. She gives her virginity to him because Hotaru is dead and gone and buried away in her memories.

.

* * *

.

The missions pile up and soon she is sent on solo missions.

She relies on the Mangenkyo more and more.

_Her desperation to survive._

.

* * *

.

Shouji is like summer whereas Hotaru was spring.

He is filled with light and warmth and bright. He is warm, so burning with life. She is attracted to him as she has never been with Hotaru.

"I love you."

As she lies beside him, she wonders when silence will no longer suffice as an answer.

.

* * *

.

"Nee-san, this is Nana-chan!"

The woman standing in front of Nanashi is beautiful with fully developed curves, bright blue eyes like Shouji's and long blond hair. Her name is Keiko.

"Nice to meet'cha Nana-chan!"

Keiko reminds Nanashi of Shouji, warm and bright like the sun.

.

* * *

.

"This will be our first mission together Shouji and when we get home I'll get mom to make a special dinner to celebrate my little bro's first mission with his big sister," Keiko announces, ruffling Shouji's hair.

Keiko's smile is bright and happy and her teammates join her in taunting Shouji.

.

* * *

.

The mission ended horribly. Shouji is screaming in her arms, his face and hands covered with blood. Kai is on the side watching everything with disbelief.

"Nee-san!" Shouji screams and cries and thrashes in her arms.

She stares emotionlessly as Shouji rushed to hold his sister's torn body.

.

* * *

.

Shouji holds onto her desperately as the funeral progresses. He is broken and torn apart. His mother is lifeless standing next to his father.

"Nee-san…"

Keiko becomes nothing more than a name on the Memorial Stone.

.

* * *

.

"I'm going to become a medic-nin," Shouji tells her in their monthly visit to the Memorial Stone. "I want to save lives, not kill."

Kai protests and whines and throws a large tantrum. But he is still a child who has not seen war as they have.

But Nanashi knows that this is his goodbye to her.

"I'm sorry Nanashi."

Shouji has never called her by her full name before.

.

* * *

.

Her spring and summer has faded.


	4. Chapter 4 - Love

**Title:** Mirage of Kaleidoscopes

**Summary:** Life is a kaleidoscope full of mirrors and shards that twist and turn creating a mirage of beauty and colour and in the end; life is nothing more than a beautiful illusion, just like a kaleidoscope.

**Chapter Four:** **Love**

.

* * *

"_**When love is in excess, it brings a man no honor, nor worthiness."**_

_**―**__** Euripides**_

.

* * *

The first time she meets Uchiha Itachi is after a solo assassination mission. He is young, not even two years old, and wandered off from his mother. She pays him no attention as she walks through the crowd of people who do not notice the faint blood stains on her clothes or the weapons hidden in her sleeves.

She feels a tug on her shirt and looks down and she stares into black obsidian eyes that resemble her own.

"Mama? Where?"

He is calm and does not cry like ordinary children.

She smiles what she hopes is a gentle smile, she is not so far gone that she would resort to killing children. "What's your name?"

"Uchiha Itachi."

Nanashi nods and bends down till she is at his height. With two fingers her presses against his forehead. "And what are you doing so far from the compound Bocchan?"

Itachi scowls and rubs his forehead in the spot where she tapped, "Lost mama." His voice resembles a petulant child, so very different than the Itachi she knew in her other life.

"I'll take you home."

Itachi holds onto her hand with such blind trust that it makes her wonder it will be like to plunge a kunai into his throat.

.

* * *

.

That first meeting spirals into several meetings with Mikoto-sama requesting her to watch over her only son during her free time. At first Nanashi is slightly annoyed but soon grows used to Itachi following after her like a second shadow.

He attempts to copy her movements with limbs to small and slow and delicate.

She smiles and laughs as she used to with Hotaru and Shouji and feels her heart grow light.

.

* * *

.

She is given her first seduction mission and the Hokage gives her four weeks to prepare for it. Kai rages on and on and barges into the Hokage's office demanding it to be cancelled. But Nanashi knows better, Konoha needs the information and only she can obtain it.

She bows and accepts and enrolls herself into the red light district in a neighbouring town.

.

* * *

.

The Okami is an old woman with traces of the elegance and beautiful she once possessed in her steps. Her face is wrinkled and her figure is shrunken.

"Forget your pride, forget dignity, and forget that you are a woman." Her smile is toothless and wicked and full of bitterness. "You are now an object to be polished, refined and sold."

Nanashi does exactly what is asked of her.

_Because she is nothing more than a tool._

.

* * *

.

"Women are art in the eyes of men. We must create an illusion of beauty and grace."

Nanashi learns how to dance with ribbons, fans and twirl and spin silk and satin. She learns how to walk with elegance that makes her seems weak, submissive but desirable in the eyes of men. She learns the language of flowers and flower arrangement to send messages. She learns how to sing and tell tales and use her eyes to talk instead of her mouth. Instruments are placed in her hands and she learns how to play all of them, her favorite is the Gu Qin.

"A man does not like a woman who cannot do what his own wife cannot provide."

She learns seduction with words and how to spin lies of love and lust. She learns the art of tea and calligraphy and how to draw to please the eyes. She learns to tell apart the different shades of colours, the different smell of perfumes to use and the pieces of jewellery best fit.

"You must be prepared to have an answer to every question."

The Okami throws her into the library and tells her read and memorize. Her bright sharingan eyes help her and she reads and reads and memorizes all.

She practices and learns and memorizes till her feet bleeds, her hands cramps and her eyes begin to bleed red.

.

* * *

.

The Okami is smoking from her pipe when Nanashi is ushered into the room. She bows perfectly and delicately sits down.

"The Hokage has called you back. Congratulations you have become a first-class courtesan." The smile is mocking and full of bitter pity.

.

* * *

.

Her mission is to seduce a Cloud Ambassador in the Daimyo's court for information.

She approaches him with a coy smile and blushes accordingly when he moves closer to her. He is charmed by her and his fat face glows with anticipation and pride. She nods at his request to meet him in the night and shyly gives him the sakura kanzashi from her hair.

When night comes she is already at his door. He laughs loudly and ushers her inside. He offers her sake and she smiles shyly and drinks. He laughs as her body goes still and maneuvers her onto the bed. Her smile is sleepy as he climbs over her and moves to unravel her obi.

Her eyes flash red and the man chokes and falls onto the bed beside her.

"In the world of Tsukuyomi everything in controlled by me, _now tell me all you know_."

.

* * *

.

The council gushes over her achievement like rabid dogs and send her on even more. The information is priceless and her body is the exchange. But they do not know that she possess sharingan and they do not know nor understand that her body belongs to herself.

She is sent on more seduction and assassination missions and Kai is promoted to jounin and given a team of his own. He meets with her at their old training ground with his new team and complains to her and tries to include her in as much as he can.

Nanashi stares at the children who fight with words and not jutus and wonders if she was _**ever **_like that.

.

* * *

.

On a whim she decides to go into sealing. She learns from the clan library and the council gives her lessons with the Sannin Jiraiya.

Jiraiya flirts and hits on her every time but nonetheless treats her coolly because he doesn't trust her and she does not trust him. She learns from him because she wants to and he teaches her because he cannot disobey the council or the Hokage.

"You learn faster than my other student," Jiraiya remarks.

Nanashi smiles because Jiraiya does not know anything true about her.

.

* * *

.

"Nee-sama! Guess what I'm finally going on an A-rank mission!" Obito exclaims jumping in excitement.

"Even though stupid Kakashi is second in command of the team, we're going to Kannabi Bridge in a few weeks so I have to prepare!"

She freezes and her eyes lock on Obito's form. Her hands move for the kunai in her pouch and she stops.

"Nee-sama! When I come back I'll tell you all about it!"

He hugs her tightly and it takes all her restraint to not plunge a kunai into his neck.

"I love you Nee-sama!"

_**It takes everything in her to stop from killing him.**_

.

* * *

.

Nanashi arrives back from another mission just in time to go see Obito and his team off. She nods at Minato and smiles at Rin and silently stares at Kakashi. Obito rushes for a hug. She gives him her blessings and wishes him best for the mission and presses a kiss to him forehead.

Obito smiles and laughs and fights with Kakashi who taunts him.

_It is the last kiss she will ever give to Uchiha Obito._

.

* * *

.

The council sends her onto another assassination mission.

.

* * *

.

When she returns she is sent as backup to Kannabi Bridge.

Her arrival is greeted with shock and guilt and sorrow. Rin collapses into her arms crying and Kakashi turns away clutching his left eye.

Obito is dead.

Dead and gone.

Never to return.

.

* * *

.

Her return back to Konoha is forgotten under the sorrow and misery that clings to the village. Minato, Rin and Kakashi meet her in front of the Memorial Stone where she is bent down, her fingers tracing Hotaru's name and recent entry of Obito's name.

"Did he die smiling?"

Rin's voice chokes as she begins to cry.

"Yeah, like the idiot he is," Kakashi's voice comes out in a whisper, broken.

Nanashi does not say anything to comfort them nor does Minato.

"I'm sorry," Minato whispers as she walks past by them.

"Don't be."

.

* * *

.

She is seventeen and there is no one to celebrate her birthday.

Hotaru is dead.

Shouji runs.

She blows out the small candle.

.

* * *

.

The war continues and rages on.

.

* * *

.

Her lessons with Jiraiya come to an end and he is sent back to the front lines with the other two Sannin.

.

* * *

.

Her eyes bleed blood and her vision fades.

.

* * *

.

Shouji finds her in front of the Memorial Stone clutching at her eyes. He asks questions that she cannot answer and whisks her away in the middle of the night.

She smells moss, water and it reminds her of death.

Shouji does not know how to cure her. She smiles ironically, bitterly with a tingle of resentment.

"Mangenkyo," she whispers and tells him all he needs to know.

.

* * *

.

She does not know how long she has been in here and she does not care. Her fingers trace the pattern of rocks near her and she waits and waits and waits till Shouji come back.

This time he comes back smelling like blood and fear that cling to him.

Beside him she can hear Shinji's fearful whimpers.

.

* * *

.

Shinji screams and screams and fights back. He is adequate but Shouji has fought in a war where failure leads to death.

"Sharingan," Shouji whispers gleefully.

.

* * *

.

Nanashi counts the days that pass but time does not mean anything to her anymore.

.

* * *

.

Shouji cupped her face in his hands and kisses her above the brows and tells her that she will be fine.

.

* * *

.

Shinji cries and cries as he is dying, so very close, held at the very edge. Shouji staring into his red eyes that twist and turn and bleed into the Mangekyo.

Shouji plunges the kunai into Shinji's chest.

Nanashi can hear the gasping and desperation to suck in air before it is gone.

Only silence remains.

.

* * *

.

Her hands move and trace the bandages covering her face.

.

* * *

.

It is a few days later that Shouji removes the bandages. The first thing she sees is his haggard appearance and Shinji's body near the edge of the large cave.

"Nana-chan…"

He kisses her deeply and she clutches onto his arm desperately.

.

* * *

.

Days later she has regained her strength and Shouji laughs and smiles and kisses her.

Then he presses a kunai into her hands and she knows.

"Kill me so Konoha and the clan never find out."

He smiles.

"Everything I have is yours."

She hones herself and charges.

"I love you Nana-chan."

.

* * *

.

She cries silently but no tears come, she cradles his dying form with gentleness that she did not even know she possessed.

Her eyes bleed red and she stares into his and takes everything, every piece of memory and knowledge he has to offer.

"_I love you."_

.

* * *

.

The cave burns and she leaves one teammate and sibling less.

.

* * *

.

When the guards near the gate see her they usher her to the hospital then the T&I.

She stays in the Torture and Interrogation Department for a week.

The same day she is released she is sent on another mission.

Konoha cannot afford any more losses.

.

* * *

.

Shouji is painted as a traitor.

Her fingers trace Shouji's young face in the team photo.

.

* * *

.

Minato makes a name for himself as a god in battle.

So does Nanashi.

.

* * *

.

The first time she uses her sealing jutsu it is with a group of chunin who accompanied her on a mission. The enemy shinobi attack from all corners and they are overwhelmed by the numbers.

With calm, quick movements she throws a scroll in the air and grasps the long white beaded necklace that appears.

"**Fuinjutsu: Sen-Hachi-Ju Jubaku Kekkai.**"

The beads break apart with a few hand signs they shoot towards the enemy like beams of light trapping them in motion. The team assigned to her watches in awe as all the enemy are captured in her jutsu and she charged with naginata in hand.

They follow quickly.

.

* * *

.

The council hears of her successes and jutsus and they decide to send her to the front lines with other shinobi.

.

* * *

.

"**Kasoku.**"

Nanashi disappears in a blur and reappears behind the enemy and stabs him in the back.

Her eyes glow with the redness of Mangekyo.

.

* * *

.

The clan is pleased that she has finally awakened the Sharingan.

"A bunch of fools," she scoffs and crumples the letter in her hand.

.

* * *

.

She is hailed as a prodigy and she is nominated by the clan as a potential candidate for the position of Hokage.

They call her a genius because her skills and jutsus cannot be copied with Sharingan.

But they do not know that she pieces them from memories of a life long gone.

.

* * *

.

Namikaze Minato joins her in the front lines soon and they demolish the enemy lines. He uses his famed Hiraishin and she uses her Kasoku. They hit the enemy before they even realize it.

.

* * *

.

"**Arashi no Sakkaku.**"

Her body duplicates itself and charges at the enemy team who charges blindly towards them.

Fools, she thinks.

She appears behind them and with a single wind jutsu, slices them into pieces.

.

* * *

.

The enemies whisper her name in fear and Minato's in awe.

.

* * *

.

They are called back to Konoha at the same time.

.

* * *

.

The Clan elders demand that she challenge Minato for the right to be Hokage and to produce children for the clan.

She does neither.

.

* * *

.

Minato finds her in front of the Memorial Stone, tracing the names as always.

"You withdrew your application."

Nanashi does not pause as she answers, "I never wanted the position in the first place."

"You could have become Hokage, you have the skills."

"But I do not have the heart."

She stands and walks past by him.

"Be your Hokage, Namikaze Minato, may you be happy."

… _because she knows what is coming next._

.

* * *

.

On her weekly visit to the Memorial Stone she finds Kakashi weeping. The rain falls hard on his fallen figure.

She holds the umbrella over his body and his face turns towards her and he holds her desperately and cries.

Finally she lets the umbrella go and lets the rain fall upon her face.

.

* * *

.

It is on her eighteenth birthday when Shouji's mother visits her. She carries a brown box in her worn hands. Her eyes cold and tired and her smiles are full of bitter regret and sorrow.

"He would have wanted you to have this."

.

* * *

.

Her hands clutched the small, brightly wrapped box tightly and her eyes burn bright red, memorizing the words written on the card.

_**Happy Birthday,**_

_**I love you Nana-chan.**_

She wants to cry, but no tears come.

.

* * *

.

They call her the Bakemono of Konoha.

A monster.

She laughs hysterically when she hears it from Kai.

Perhaps she is one.

.

* * *

.

Her eyes trace over all the letters Shouji wrote but never gave her. His confessions of love, so sweet, tender and passionate like burning flames.

It is as though he is still beside her along with Hotaru.

.

* * *

.

The hospitals are overfilled with the wounded and the dead.

There she finds little Itachi staring at a dead man's body, blood staining his small hands.

She bends down and covers his hands with her own and holds him while he cried.

.

* * *

.

Konoha becomes bright, warm and full of hope.

Minato is the bright, brilliant genius who defended the village and will continue to do so.

.

* * *

.

She is promoted to ANBU Captain and Itachi is enrolled in the academy.

.

* * *

.

The clan forgets about Shinji's disappearance.

.

* * *

.

From a distance she sees bright red hair and she knows that it is Kushina.

.

* * *

.

She is still haunted by Hotaru and Shouji.

.

* * *

.

… _I love you_


	5. Chapter 5 - Darkness

**Title:** Mirage of Kaleidoscopes

**Summary:** Life is a kaleidoscope full of mirrors and shards that twist and turn creating a mirage of beauty and colour and in the end; life is nothing more than a beautiful illusion, just like a kaleidoscope.

**Chapter 5:** **Darkness**

.

* * *

_**"In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present."**_

_**― **__**Sir Francis Bacon**_

.

* * *

.

Minato is now considered the defacto- Hokage and he requests her to be placed in his team as a bodyguard for him. The clan cannot refuse and reluctantly gives her into his hands.

Rin is happy and enthusiastic while Kakashi treats her with cold indifference with a hint of acknowledgement. All the while Minato smiles and pretends and laughs as though the days of war are behind them.

This is the most peace she has gotten since Shouji's death.

_**Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.**_

Her heart starts to beat once more.

Slowly but surely.

.

* * *

.

Now there was a new problem, Kakashi, the prodigy, the only heir of the Hatake Clan, the thief of the Sharingan eye and the boy who would someday grow up to be a bitter man.

_The boy who killed Obito_, Nanashi's mind whispers treacherously. She cannot forget Obito, the boy whom she raised and cared for, the boy whom she poured years of hard work into, the boy who was her brother and son in all but flesh and blood.

But then she remembers what Obito will become and she cannot do anything for him anymore.

The wheels of fate have already turned and spun their webs, there is no way to break free.

.

* * *

.

The clan elders forbid her to teach Kakashi the usage of the Sharingan.

Minato asks her to do the opposite.

Between the duty to the clan or the loyalty to one's kage.

Nanashi has never liked the clan who pushed and pushed and pushed.

_And will someday dig their own grave._

But she does not like Minato either.

_The Yellow Flash of Konoha, the fastest shinobi, the man who could not save anyone important to him. _

So she chooses the lesser of two evils.

.

* * *

.

Kakashi struggles with the depletion of his chakra. He groans in pain but stands nonetheless, tall and strong, a mere shadow of what he will be in the future, and charges at her.

Nanashi dodges and flings several kunai at him.

He manages to dodge them all but one pins him by his shirt to the trunk of a tree.

"No good enough."

.

* * *

.

"I want to make a lightening jutsu," Kakashi says. "I want your help."

Nanashi raises an eyebrow and comments on how cocky he is for being seven years younger than her.

She ruffles his hair in the way she remembers her father from her other life used to do to her. She laughs and agrees to help him.

.

* * *

.

Lightning is strong and fast and deadly, Nanashi muses as she watched Kakashi's one hundred and thirteth failure that day.

Kakashi is like lightning, fast, strong and waits for the perfect moment to strike.

"Chidori," she says.

Kakashi turns to face her with a questioning expression on his face.

"A thousand birds," she continues. "Your lightening reminds me of that."

Her hands reach out trying to grasp the streams of sunlight piercing through the thick leaves of the tree.

"Like thousands of bright bird that come together."

Kakashi stares at his hands.

"And they sing for victory, for joy, for what's been lost."

_They sing for you._

.

* * *

.

The next to go is Rin.

Nanashi knows this.

She has always known this.

But it does not change the fact that she hates it and want to stop it.

_Hotaru is gone…._

_Shouji is gone…. _

She doesn't.

_There's no reason for her to stop the inevitable._

.

* * *

.

Rin is smart, Rin is lucky, Rin is happy and joyful.

Nanashi hates her.

.

* * *

.

She requests a mission that will send her far away from Konoha.

From Rin.

From Kakashi.

From Minato.

A mission that will send her from any more misery.

.

* * *

.

She still returns too early and she sent as backup for Kakashi and Rin.

The Sandaimei looks at her with such trust that she almost shows her disgust over it.

_Don't trust me. Don't place your expectations in me. Don't…._

.

* * *

.

She arrives to see the birth of a monster.

The chidori crackles and sings and lights bursts from Kakashi's hand and he charges. Blood spurts forth and Rin, _sweet, precious, always beloved __**Rin**_, stands tall with a smile. Kakashi with his arm pinned in Rin's chest screams and Nanashi knows what will happen next.

The light in Rin's eyes fade and her chakra grows smaller and smaller like a precious light so fragile and beautiful snuffed out by the darkness. Kakashi screams and Nanashi knows, knows that this is the birth of a horrible monster.

The slaughter is more brutal than she can image as Obito charges out, decked in the clothing of a monster. She does not stop him as he fights and kills and slaughters.

In all the carnage, she slips in and lifts Kakashi's prone form and lifts him over her shoulder. Nanashi turns around and her eyes meet the one remaining eye of the boy she once watched over.

He meets her eyes and she can see the widening of the pin-wheeled sharingan. She notices the raising of his arm that wants to reach out for her and for the protection she can offer.

"_Nee-san…"_

Nanashi turns away and without looking back, she runs.

.

* * *

.

Leaving behind the man-boy whom she taught, raised and watched, she left behind a monster.

.

* * *

.

Kakashi is an emotional wreck as he weeps and cries and blames himself.

Nanashi bristles at his weakness.

She has never cried.

Not for Hotaru.

Not for Shouji.

.

* * *

.

Kakahi holds onto her with a desperation that she finds amusing.

Nanashi lets him because she has no reason not to.

.

* * *

.

It is her birthday today, she is eighteen now.

.

* * *

.

Three months later, Minato is officially named the Hokage.

His coronation is one filled with light and hope and the spirit of everlasting flames that burn.

It is the beginning of the end.

.

* * *

.

The war ends in another five months.

.

* * *

.

Konohagakure is filled with joy, happiness and relief from the end of the war.

Nanashi mocks them on the inside because she knows the true horrors that will follow.

.

* * *

.

The village prospers and Minato removes her from ANBU and stations her as one of his personal guards along with Genma Shiranui, Raido Namiashi and Iwashi Tatami.

He places his trust in her and teaches her his special jutsus the Rasengan and Hiraishin.

.

* * *

.

She meets Tsunade the night she decides to drink at her old team's training field. She can almost imagine that Yukimura-sensei, Hotaru and Shouji are beside her.

Then she hears leaves rustling and turns to see the Slug Princess of Konoha drunk and delirious.

Tsunade laughs and helps herself to the sake bottles and lets her tears fall.

Nanashi feels a close sense of kinship with this woman who is drunk and blabbering about her lost brother and lover.

This woman who has lost just as she has.

.

* * *

.

After that first night meeting, Tsunade seeks her out more often to drink with and imparts some healing jutsus to her as well.

.

* * *

.

"I have no idea why you didn't join the medic department, your chakra control is perfect," Tsunade mutters as she signed work reports and drank sake.

Nanashi smiles bitterly.

.

* * *

.

The night Orochimaru defects, Tsunade finds her and weeps into her arms like a child.

.

* * *

.

Tsunade packs up a week later and sneaks away in the night with her apprentice Shizune, her dead lover's niece.

Tsunade runs from Konoha, from the memories that haunt her.

"Goodbye," Nanashi whispered as she stared at Tsunade's fading form in the distance as the fierce winds blew and the sun began to rise.

.

* * *

.

Minato is full of smiles and his happiness is contagious to the point of everyone laughing and smiling as he enters the room.

Nanashi bares a blank, monotonous face as Minato tells her about Kushina's pregnancy.

.

* * *

.

Mikoto-sama becomes pregnant once more.

.

* * *

.

Nanashi pushes herself to the bones. Till her muscles ache and her body covered in bruises.

.

* * *

.

She blows into the medical department like a raging fire in the wild.

Nanashi is the first to invent the attachment and healing jutsu that can be used in the field of combat.

A thin golden thread that forms around a thin needle made of pure chakra. The thread knits and threads the damaged nervous, bones, muscles, tissues together and connects them to one another.

The medical department hails her as the second coming of the Slug Princess but Nanashi laughs because she is nothing but a fake and a copycat.

.

* * *

.

She does not teach any of her jutsus to anyone because she does not want anyone to be a fake like her.

.

* * *

.

Kushina grows rounder with her child and Minato gives her the missions to guard the fiery haired woman.

"Nice to meet you, dattebane!"

Nanashi is at a loss for words towards the bright, energetic woman who laughs and smiles and lives as though she did not kill and maim and slaughter.

A part of her wishes that she could be more like Kushina.

_Who found light in all that __**darkness**__._

.

* * *

.

The days pass by peacefully, and for a while, she is content – and maybe just slightly happy.

.

* * *

.

Nanashi always wakes up before Kushina does and makes breakfast – healthy food, but occasionally, more often than she'd like, ramen.

"This is delicious, dattebane! Just as good as Ichiraku ramen!"

"Please don't each so much, Kushina-san, you'll get fat."

The woman waved her hand, "Don't worry about the small details Nana-chan, ramen is the food of the Gods! The Ramen Gods will make sure that I keep my figure!"

"Kushina-san, eating too much ramen is not good for the baby," Nanashi said softly while drinking her tea.

"Bah! My baby loves ramen or I wouldn't be craving it so much!"

Nanashi smiled, "With your love for ramen I wouldn't be surprised if you named your child after it."

She was mildly surprised when Kushina dropped her chop sticks and stood abruptly and slammed her hands against table top.

"You're a genius Nana-chan!"

.

* * *

.

"Hello, Nanashi-nee-chan," Itachi greeted softly, he's small hands clutching her own.

She bends down to his level and pokes him in the forehead with her two fingers and smiles gently.

"How about we go get some dango, Itachi?"

He nods and they walk side by side, her larger hands grasping his own.

Side by side.

Underneath the bright sun.

.

* * *

.

"I can't take it anymore!" Minato yelled as he harshed slammed the Hokage stamp onto the piece of paper.

Nanashi silently organized the remaining piles as Minato ranted about the unfairness of paperwork.

"– I knew something was up when Sandaimei offered me this job so quickly!" Minato lamented as he clutched his blonde locks.

Outside of the room, Nanashi could hear Genma chuckling at Minato's predicament and she glanced at Minato's forlorn face and laughed softly.

"Ah! Nanashi! You laughed! It's the first time I heard you laugh, it makes you look very nice, you should do it more often," Minato complimented with a bright smile.

Nanashi blinked and smiled sharply, "Hokage-sama, please don't think that flattery will get me to do your paper work for you." She gestured towards the organized pile.

"There are more for you when you are done, Hokage-sama," she bowed, "Please excuse me."

When she closed the door, she heard Minato cry in indignation.

And without noticing, she smiled a true smile – bright and beautiful.

_The smile that embodied a life left behind._

.

* * *

.

On one of her weekly visit to the memorial stone, she bumps into Kakashi. She had often met him in the past train him and still did – just less than before. But other than that one rainy day where she held him as he cried under the rain, they had never met in here.

Gently, she placed the flowers down and pressed her hands together in a prayer and Kakashi stood over her, a gentle presence.

The two of them spent the rest of the afternoon there, silently but at peace.

.

* * *

.

"Fugaku-sama, I am honoured by your offer," Nanashi said calmly as she bent down in a bow. Fugaku nodded stiffly and Mikoto gave an encouraging smile to the woman who always watched her little Itachi.

"Itachi is no doubt a prodigy and we expect that he may activate his sharingan soon and he will be in your care," Fugaku said. Nanashi simply nodded and waited for his next words.

"… My son… the Elders of our clan are worried…. But he is only a boy…." Fugaku's few words displayed more of his worry than he ever showed to anyone, bar his wife.

"I understand Fugaku-sama, I will protect him to the best of my abilities," she said.

.

* * *

.

"Nana-chan, Minato and I decided to name my baby Naruto – for Maelstorm, not the fish cake," Kushina exclaimed happily.

Nanashi smiled and nodded as Kushina chattered on about what her little boy would look like.

"I hope he has Minato's hair," Kushina remarked gently as her hands patted her enlarged stomach. "I always loved Minato's hair, it's bright and sunny and beautiful. I think it'll be perfect for my little Naruto."

_Yes_, Nanashi thinks as she glanced at Kushina from the corner of her eye, _your boy will be as bright as the sun and just as deadly_.

.

* * *

.

She turns twenty and she spend the day smiling as Kushina hosts a surprise party for her.

It's the first time she does not spend a birthday along.

.

* * *

.

She finally found her light in the darkness.

.

* * *

.

_But nothing lasts forever._


	6. Chapter 6 - Loss

**Title:** Mirage of Kaleidoscopes

**Summary:** Life is a kaleidoscope full of mirrors and shards that twist and turn creating a mirage of beauty and colour and in the end; life is nothing more than a beautiful illusion, just like a kaleidoscope.

**Chapter 6: Loss**

.

* * *

"_**Was it hard?" I ask. "Letting go?"**_

"_**Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real." **_

― _**Lisa Schroeder**_.

.

* * *

.

"Konbanwa, Nana-nee-chan," Itachi greeted softly, a small smile on his lips.

Nanashi smiles back as well, she always seems to meet Itachi during her shifts at the hospital.

"How are you today Bocchan?" Nanashi asks as she sits beside him.

Itachi turns to face her and his smile is beaming, and for a moment Nanashi is taken back by the amount of joy displayed in his face.

"I'm getting a little sibling soon," he states, his voice full of awe.

She says nothing as Itachi rambles on and on, his excitement of his new sibling clearly shown. It is July, the weather is hot but not overwhelmingly so, and the sky is blue without a cloud in sight and the sun bright and warm.

And the month when Uchiha Sasuke will be born.

The beginning of the end starts here, she thinks bitterly.

Her fingers weave through Itachi's hair and she presses to fingers to his forehead and laughs as he pouts.

_The beginning of the end of all we know._

.

* * *

.

She is walking on the streets with Kushina and Biwako, as a bodyguard for both women when she first meets Uchiha Sasuke.

Kushina is over the moons about her baby and Biwako laughs in an exasperated manner. Nanashi walks behind the two women, keeping a sharp eye out for any sort of enemies.

"Mikoto, is that the baby!" Kushina exclaims as she presses her face close to the bundle in Mikoto's arms. Nanashi walks closer and peers down from Kushina's shoulders.

A little face with tiny hands and a full head of black hair and Nanashi can faintly register Kushina sigh of wonder. She can hardly pay any attention to the rest of the conversation as she is enraptured with the baby.

This would be the boy who would throw the whole world into chaos, this little baby who was innocent of all the evils of the world.

Biwako drags Kushina away and Nanashi follows after them, her mind slightly dizzy.

_Uchiha Sasuke who will kill and maim and destroy. _

Yet all she can see is that little baby with chubby cheeks and bright dark eyes.

So innocent and precious.

.

* * *

.

The rest of the few months remaining are spent preparing the large apartment for the arrival of its newest member. The baby room is painted a soft shade of blue with an oak crib situated in the centre of the room. There was a bookshelf with baby books, a changing area and toy boxes filled to the brim with soft cuddly toys and imitation ninja tools.

As the day of the delivery looms ever so closely, Nanashi is tasked with finding suitable guards for Kushina during her delivery.

Minato does not want either her or Kakashi to be there, stating that they were not ready to be tasked with something as delicate as this. Nanashi scoffs internally at the idea of **her** not being ready but nods because _she knows what is coming_.

She and Kakashi spend two weeks deciding on a retinue of six ANBU guards stationed around one of caves located in the village. There would be seals and addition guards added farther away but not that much to make it obvious.

The morning that Kushina and Minato leave, Nanashi makes them breakfast and smiles and laughs with them for the last time before the two disappear in a gathering of leaves.

_Never to return_.

.

* * *

.

Nanashi sits there beside the large table nursing a cup of tea as she counts the seconds, minutes, hours, that has passed and when the sun finally sets and the sky turns a bright shade of orange, she knows that it will be soon.

She sits there and she waits, waits, and waits, till the sky is pitch dark and the stars shine like small little lanterns across the black canvas.

_Waiting, waiting, waiting_.

And then –

Chaos.

.

* * *

.

She gasps for breathe as her eyes forcefully turn red and her body sags beneath the dark, heavy chakra.

Never has Nanashi felt such fear in both of her lives and she gasps as her lungs choke and her eyes begin to tear. It is fear – absolute fear and she stabs herself in the arm to break free.

Tearing open a window she sees the large figure of the Kyuubi in the distance and the utter destruction it has caused.

Building falling apart, people dying and the red, red blood spilt forward like a river.

.

* * *

.

Nanashi sprints down the path, ignoring the screams of civilians and the cries of children and ran towards the figure of the fox.

There, on the front battle field, the shinobis cry and scream like children and those with strength falter and are unable to do anything.

But Nanashi charges forward not because of loyalty, or love, or to protect, but because she does not want to die again.

And everything and everyone fades as she stands beneath the looming figure of the fox and she smiles sardonically.

A monster against a monster.

Nanashi laughs madly and she charges, her eyes spinning rapidly and the ethereal figure of the Susanoo appears, white and armoured and holds the writhing form of the fox in its hold.

_Let it begin_.

.

* * *

.

Konoha shinobis are quite something, Nanashi muses as she steadies her breathing, still continuing to feed chakra to the Susanoo.

Seeing her fighting, all the other shinobi followed as well, with her in the center of it all.

The black flames of the Amaterasu spreads through the forest and the fox fights against the Susanoo, while the other shinobis throw jutsu after jutsu at the fox, and the Will of Fire burns on continuously.

Nanashi smiles and feels blood in her mouth, and she coughs and laughs as the blood hits against the dirt ground. She feels medical chakra flowing into her chakra coils and she grimaces in pain as she feeds more chakra towards the fading image of Susanoo.

She was not strong enough, for all her fame and jutsu and eyes, she is still weak compared to Minato, to Jiraiya, to Shouji, to Hotaru, she was still too weak.

Panting, her hands grasping for the light and her vision began to blacken and the light of the Susanoo fading.

And then –

.

* * *

.

Her eyes open and all she can see is a blurry orange face.

She feels herself being carried and one eye gazes down at her face.

Breathing deeply, she struggles to stay awake.

"_Sleep, Nee-san, sleep…"_

And everything fades once more.

.

* * *

.

Nanashi wakes in the hospital, bandaged and worn, with Kakashi sleeping beside her on the chair.

For a brief moment she wonders if everything that happened was just a dream.

But she remembers the destruction, the chakra, and the colour orange and she knows that it isn't.

.

* * *

.

She does not register the loss till the aftermath of the attack.

Kushina is dead. Minato is dead. Shouji is dead. Hotaru is dead.

There is no one left except for her.

Nanashi feels emptier than ever.

.

* * *

.

Kakashi comes to visit her every day and the two of them stay silent throughout the visit.

Till one day.

"Minato-sensei and Kushina-san are dead," he whispers brokenly. And all Nanashi can see is that boy on the day Obito died.

And she holds him in her arms as he cries.

.

* * *

.

The Third Hokage visits her a month after the aftermath of the attack and she is still bedridden from chakra exhaustion.

To be frank, the man looks exhausted and wears his grief behind a mask. Nanashi can understand his pain well; she knows what it feels like to love someone so deeply only to lose them.

They spend the time discussing about the past, about the present, about the future, and the empty site of Hokage.

"Minato is dead, Jiraiya has left the village, there is no one else but you who can become Godaimei," Sarutobi Hiruzen states calmly.

Nanashi knows that, she knows but she does not want the position of Hokage.

"Think about it, Nanashi."

.

* * *

.

The memorial stones holds more names than it last did, and she traces Hotaru's name along with Shouji's, Obito's, Kushina's and Minato's. All of them dead and gone.

But she feels no pain, only emptiness, and she wonders why the loss does not hurt her anymore.

And she wonders if all of it was even real.

.

* * *

.

The village moves on.

The destruction is being repaired.

The people are buried and mourned.

But Nanashi is still stagnant.

.

* * *

.

The Third Hokage takes her and Kakashi to meet Naruto. Kakashi is quiet, tired, and so broken over Minato and Kushina's loss. The Third Hokage also wears his grief over the death of his wife.

The two males cannot bear to look at Naruto's small form and turn their attention to other things. But Nanashi steps closer and holds Naruto in her arms, and places him at the crook of her arm. And the small but heavy weight, so warm and delicate, lays there. Naruto opens his eyes and regards her with curious, innocent eyes.

_Hotaru, Shouji, Obito, Kushina, Minato… all dead, dead and gone. _

She holds out a finger and his small hands clutch around it.

_Blood, so much blood, it won't wash off._

He coos and smiles, bright and beautiful.

"_I love you, Nana…" _

Then he cries.

And it is the most beautiful sound she has ever heard.

.

* * *

.

For a brief few weeks she takes over as Hokage for Hiruzen as he mourns with his children. The Uchiha Elders sees this as a chance to display their powers and authority over the rest of the village and they plot and plot.

Nanashi works from the crack of dawn till the moon sets the sky begins to lighten. There is much to do, papers to sign and contracts to negotiate.

All in all, it's quite the headache but it must be done.

She wonders why anyone would ever want this job.

.

* * *

.

Politics is messy, dirty and Nanashi despises it.

As she is filling in for the Third, the council decides to meet. All the clan heads gather and the civilian representative are also present, and the three counsellors of the Third Hokage. The damages, cost of repair and so on are discussed till the final issue is breeched.

"What about the Kyuubi?" Danzo questioned.

With this the entire council freezes and the civilians display their anger over the fox and the clan heads are all silently plotting and thinking.

Nanashi internally sighs at the Third Hokage's decision to announce Naruto's condition to the adult population of Konoha. Sometimes she wonders if age has made the God of Shinobi weak, but she removes that thought as fast as it come because the only God that shinobis would respect is one who builds their path in the blood of foes and allies alike. For all his age and kindness and mercy, the Third Hokage is still a God, revered and respected. What his reasons are for revealing such a delicate fact, Nanashi does not know, but all she cares is that he has left her a large task to deal with.

There are suggestions thrown across the council room.

"Kill him!" This one was widely encouraged by the civilian population.

"Turn him to a weapon for Konoha." This was Danzo's suggestion, supported by Koharu and Homura.

"Have him be adopted into one of the clans." This was the opinion of the clan heads, especially the Uchiha and Hyuuga.

Rationally, it would be most beneficial to have Naruto be trained as a weapon for Konoha's uses or adopted into one of the clans to breed for loyalty towards the village. To exploit the Jinchuuriki for all that he is worth.

But Nanashi remembers the feeling of that heavy but light bundle laying in her arms, and the sensation of his warm skin against her hands, and feel of his small, delicate hand clutching around her fingers.

And she can no longer decide.

.

* * *

.

Konoha was once beautiful at night, before the Kyuubi attack. Now it is only a village in ruins and covered in mourning and tears.

She sighed as she took a deep sip of her sake cup. These days it seemed as though the only escape from all this was found through the bottle, no wonder Tsunade drank so much.

As she sits there on top of the Hokage statues, drinking and looking at the moon, beneath the night sky, she allows herself to mourn for what she has lost.

.

* * *

.

"You do not want the position of Hokage, do you Nanashi," Hiruzen states as he stamps another paper. After three month of mourning, the Third Hokage has finally returned and Nanashi knows that the Jinchuuriki Issue will be raised again, seeing as she did not make any decisions.

Nanashi stands before him, and nods, "Forgive me Sandaimei, but I believe that there are more suitable choices than me."

Jiraiya, Tsunade, anyone but an Uchina, went unsaid between them.

"Minato liked you, he said that you reminded him of himself in a way," Hiruzen muses, "I never saw it till now." He pierces her with his stare and smiles, "But, you remind of Hashirama-sama more."

Nanashi says nothing but raises an eyebrow in surprise.

"In his later years," Hiruzen amends and his eyes gain a faraway look, as though he is back in the past. "He had the same look of loss in his eyes as you do, I never really noticed it as a child but when I grew older I saw how much being Hokage hurt him. Tobirama-sensei said that he couldn't forget someone and I never knew till both of them passed."

She feels as though he is looking into her soul but she stands still as the Third stares into her eyes.

"He couldn't forget Uchiha Madara," Hiruzen sighs, "Hashirama-sama was always a sentimental one and the loss of that one person haunted him till he died."

Nanashi bows and turns and walks towards the door.

"Much like you, Nanashi."

.

* * *

.

Sometimes Nanashi wonder if everything was real.

If her losses were really losses.

But then she remembers the love, the hate, the sorrow and the bitterness.

Now, she knows that everything she has lost was real and true.

_And this realization hurts her more than anything._

.

* * *

.

One by one we all fall down into despair, to hatred, to sorrow, to _life_.

And we wait till one day a Hero will come to save us.

Till that day.


End file.
